69 things every gay man should know about sex

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  1. Underwear, cock ring, or jockstrap: Choose only one, please.
  2. "Fantasy" men are so appealing because they’re fantasies. Reality bites, ace.
  3. Kiss him, you fool!
  4. If he won’t kiss you, he’s a lousy lay.
  5. Make a good impression and wear new underwear. Skid marks are a turnoff.
  6. The best sex includes equal amounts of foreplay, sex, and afterplay.
  7. Help him get undressed.
  8. Never have sex to a song that has ever been lip-synced by a drag queen. Especially if you’re having sex with one.
  9. If you can’t buy condoms or rent a porno without blushing, you aren’t ready to have sex.
  10. Never, ever use the word “man-pussy.” Ever.
  11. Never have sex somewhere you wouldn’t want to be photographed.
  12. Expect all photographs to end up on the Internet.
  13. You are not the only one who likes getting oral sex.
  14. “Blow job” is a misnomer. Suck, don’t blow. And for chrissakes, don’t bite.
  15. Your gag reflex is there for a reason. Work with it, not against it. If you run into trouble, relax and breathe.
    • If his dick points up, suck him off 69-style.
    • If his dick points down, lie on your back, hang your head over the edge of the bed, and have him aim his cock slowly down your throat.
    • Breathe through your nose.
  16. Thanks, but not everyone wants your come on his face.
  17. If he has your come on his face, never refuse to kiss him. It’s your spunk. Deal with it.
  18. Rinse with mouthwash before sex. Having spinach on your teeth is tacky. Leaving spinach on his dick is disastrous.
  19. No, your asshole won’t get stretched out by big cocks or too much fucking. It’s a muscle. Regular use makes it stronger, not weaker.
  20. When he takes off his pants, be prepared for any size of penis. Screaming with laughter (or terror) is not appropriate.
  21. Work his nipples. Licking and biting are good, but chewing…eh, not so much.
  22. Tongues and testicles should be best friends. Let them spend time together. Often.
  23. “Straight-acting” is a joke. Anyone with your dick in his mouth is queer. Don’t argue with him. Let him have his fantasy. This is a one-night stand, not a debate on the semantics of sexuality.
  24. Gerbiling is an urban myth. Really. If you’re dumb enough to want to try it, you shouldn’t be having sex at all.
  25. Semen has 35 calories per serving; when using a condom it has zero.
  26. It’s hard to engage in pillow talk when your mouth is full. Save the conversation for later.
  27. Ask him about his sexual fantasies. Tell him about yours. He might do it, you know.
  28. If you like what he’s doing, say something! Feedback is important. Giving back is even more so.
  29. Try flavored lube.
  30. Semen and body hair tend to clot drains. Used condoms tend to clog pipes.
  31. Always keep breath mints nearby.
  32. If you own a lot of sex toys, don’t try to play innocent.
  33. The difference between anonymous sex and non-anonymous sex is knowing the guy’s name. Repeat his name silently to yourself a couple dozen times during foreplay. This can prevent screaming the wrong name during the actual act.
  34. Don’t name your penis. Straight boys name their penises. If you’ve already named it, don’t refer to it by name during sex.
  35. Find your limits and communicate them. Trips to the hospital are a total buzz-kill.
  36. Not everyone is into spanking. Ask him first before you whack his ass.
  37. Find new ways to make dental dams fun. Then tell all your friends. And tell us, while you’re at it. Consider renting out a billboard.
  38. There is no instance when yelling “Who’s your daddy?!” is erotic.
  39. Stuffing your pants is the surest path to self-sabotage.
  40. Once you reach adulthood, your dick size will never change. Ever. Get used to it. Accept it. Love it.
  41. Don’t expect a man’s race to indicate his dick size.
  42. Only Jeff Stryker can pull off “Oh, yeah, bitch, suck that cock. You like that cock, don’t you?” So don’t even try.
  43. Never let him do anything to you that you can’t reciprocate.
  44. No matter how hot the roommate, get a feel for their interest before suggesting a three-way.
  45. A three-way means there are three people who want to have sex. If you aren’t attracted to the third, then don’t have a three-way.
  46. Three-ways will never save your relationship. Ever. But they’re still really fun.
  47. Sex is messy. If you are worried about your upholstery, do it on the floor.
  48. The best tops will occasionally bottom. The best bottoms will occasionally top.
  49. If you’re going to try something new and/or possibly dangerous, research the activity and lower your expectations.
  50. Discover the power of the perineum.
  51. Pity sex is not worth it. (We know.)
  52. Visualize where your cock is when it’s inside his ass. Move it around. Vary your speed. Have him clench his butt muscles around your cock. It feels great, trust us.
  53. Only porn stars should have sex at work.
  54. Never play at bondage with someone you wouldn’t loan your credit card to.
  55. Everybody farts; work around it, wash yourself well, and don’t take anything that happens too seriously.
  56. The three keys to mastering anal sex are: lube, lube, and lube.
  57. If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit. Practice with toys first to test your tolerance levels.
  58. If he carries baby oil into the sauna, he’s a sure thing.
  59. Your rectum is a powerful muscle. Never put anything remotely breakable up it, or anything small enough to slip out of your grasp, for obvious reasons.
  60. Always pee before receiving anal sex. Otherwise, if he manages to stimulate your prostate, you will both get very wet.
  61. Pee after you come. It burns a little, but helps to prevent urethral infections.
  62. If you’re a premature ejaculator, practice by yourself first. Bring yourself to the brink, then stop and think about golf. Recite the alphabet. Think of England. Then bring yourself to the brink again, stop, etc. Repeat until you come when you want to come.
  63. Try holding your breath when you come. Try yelling when you come.
  64. Don’t always have sex in the dark; good lighting can be your friend.
  65. Play dress-up sometimes. If you don’t have the costumes you want, make them from stuff around the house. It’s like kinky arts and crafts.
  66. Read about every STD, and if you get an STD, tell your partner, tell your tricks, and tell your doctor. It’s not the end of the world.
  67. It’s okay to fantasize about other men during sex.
  68. Porn is fuel for your fantasies. Period. Take notes, get ideas, but never feel like you have to measure up.
  69. Sex is supposed to be fun. If you’re not having fun, walk away.

Words by Vincent Kovar

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