69 things every gay man should know about dating

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  1. Paying for dinner doesn’t mean you’ve bought yourself some action in the sack. And just because he paid for dinner doesn’t mean you have to put out either… unless you really want to.
  2. Never go to a movie on a first date.
  3. Fresh breath is important, but never chew gum during a date. You’ll look like a cow.
  4. If you spot a guy you like, don’t fix him with a fish-eye stare. Walk up and say “hello.” It’s better to give him the chance to show he’s disinterested rather than scaring him off because he thinks you’re a stalker.
  5. Simultaneously be aware of people’s reputations, and yet understand that they are often undeserved. Avoiding a known “player” is good for those new to the scene, but as you grow more self-reliant, make your own assessments.
  6. Never ask out the best friend, roommate and/or ex-lover of someone you have recently dated or are currently dating. Your reputation will be shot.
  7. When you break up with someone, but you still want to hang out with him, do it in groups. And never hang out with him while you’re on a date with someone else.
  8. Never go out with one guy, but go home with another. At least go through the motions of ending your first date.
  9. Realize that the two of you won’t always agree on every subject. Just because you have an argument doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed to failure. There’s a big difference between arguing and fighting.
  10. A double date does not mean asking out two guys at the same time. That is called a three-way.
  11. Just because your boyfriend is out of town does not make it an “open relationship.”
  12. Just because his boyfriend is out of town does not make it an “open relationship.”
  13. If he says he’s in an open relationship, nine times out of ten, he’s lying.
  14. No one is ever going to really leave their boyfriend for you.
  15. Even the nicest guy has a sleazy side.
  16. If his dick points up, suck him off 69-style.
  17. Don’t lurk in the shadows to check out your blind date before you meet him. Be a man. Go up to him, shake his hand, and politely go through the motions.
  18. If you don’t want to see him anymore after the first date, don’t say you’ll call him again. Instead, say “Thanks for a nice time. Have a good night.” If he asks you out again, say “No, but thank you for asking.” It’s easier than you think.
  19. Never take a first date out with a group of your friends. He will feel excluded, and your friends will either embarrass you, try to marry the two of you, or flirt with him.
  20. Don’t drag your friends into your dating traumas. Bouncing them back and forth between hating and accepting your partner will wear them out, and they may not be there later when you need support the most.
  21. If you end up dating a guy you met in a bathhouse, online, or in the bushes, get your stories straight before introducing him to your family and friends.
  22. Mr. Right could be anywhere.
  23. Keep your word. Call when you say you are going to call. Show up when you say you are going to show up. Being “fashionably late” works only in Cukor movies.
  24. Come out to everyone you can. Emotionally stable men are not closeted men.
  25. Never assume.
  26. Clean your place before a date as if he’s going to spend the night.
  27. Spend more time grooming yourself before a date than you normally would.
  28. Pay special attention to your shoes, fingernails and hair.
  29. For god’s sake, wear clean underwear. Buy a new pack to be used only for special occasions.
  30. Turn off the goddamn cell phone. If it rings, don’t answer it. Better yet, leave it at home.
  31. Bring enough cash to cover dinner. There could be an unforeseen problem with your credit card.
  32. First-date guys don’t want to hear about your crappy day. They want to hear how in control and confident you are. Save the bitch session for when you know each other better—maybe.
  33. Think of stuff to talk about before he shows up.
  34. “Erotica” is for snobs. It’s called pornography.
  35. If you’re embarrassed about your porn collection, you aren’t ready to be having sex.
  36. If he sneers at the very idea of pornography, he’s probably someone you don’t want to know.
  37. On the other hand, some guys just don’t care for porn. Respect his preference.
  38. Take a chance. It’s far better to be disappointed with how a situation turned out than to be disappointed in yourself for never trying.
  39. Going to a karaoke bar for a date is problematic. On the one hand, you get to learn about each other’s taste in music, singing voice and poise in public. On the other hand, you get to learn about each other’s taste in music, singing voice and poise in public.
  40. Spend less time trying to meet Mr. Right and more time trying to be Mr. Right.
  41. If it really doesn’t work out with someone, forget about the “I just want to be friends” crap. It’s an insult to everyone’s intelligence.
  42. Three dates does not a boyfriend make.
  43. Learn to be happy alone. If you require constant companionship to be happy, you need a therapist, not a boyfriend.
  44. Get over your gay guilt. If you can’t accept and value yourself for what you are, your dates will start to resemble binary black holes of emotional need. You can’t hate yourself and at the same time expect to find love.
  45. Don’t date the straight. It seems sexy, it sounds glamorous, but just wait until you end up baby-sitting and changing diapers while he and his wife are on vacation.
  46. Be less concerned with the length of man's dick and more concerned with the strength of his spine. A strong backbone clearly separates the brain from the asshole.
  47. If you’re interested in him, and don’t want to come on too strong, touching him gently on his shoulder or arm is the clearest signal you can send.
  48. Some guys are simply jerks. There is no valid excuse for their actions, and there is no nice guy inside them screaming to get out.
  49. Sometimes you will act like a jerk. When this happens, you have two choices: you can make excuses for your bad behavior, or you can be a man and apologize. Understand that he may not accept your apology. It’s more important that you made the effort.
  50. Don’t assume he’s immature because he’s young. Don’t assume he’s emotionally mature because he’s older.
  51. Self-effacement may indicate humility but a little of that goes a long way. Be self-confident and present yourself as attractive; just be able to laugh at yourself a little bit.
  52. Self-confidence goes with anything. Everyone wants a self-confident man.
  53. Newly-out men are not ready for a serious relationship. Remember how you felt when you came out? Were you ready for a serious commitment? He needs time to get used to the idea of being openly gay before he can commit, just like you did.
  54. Read a book every so often. Go to comedy shows or plays. Pick up a magazine that you normally wouldn’t read. Don’t depend on small talk during a date—have a few conversation starters to maintain a comfortable flow.
  55. Don’t monopolize the conversation, but also don’t depend on your date to carry the evening alone. Murmuring “uh-huh” periodically doesn’t make you a good listener. Take an active and supportive role in the exchange where you ask questions, respond with opinions and express interest.
  56. Interracial dating can carry the specter of feelings assumed or left unsaid. Get this out in the open as you become more comfortable with each other. Pay attention to what kinds of issues, ideas and jokes are trigger points for disagreement. Realize that the special understanding you develop with that particular person may not extend to everyone else.
  57. Men are innately competitive. Be careful about trying to one-up each other. No one likes a guy who has always done something more exciting and been somewhere better. There are better uses for a mouth than bragging.v
  58. Don’t rate him solely based on a single date. Some men are more comfortable one-on-one, and clam up in a crowd.
  59. Mr. Perfect is a myth. Mr. Perfect is a myth. Mr. Perfect is a myth. You will never find someone who satisfies all your criteria and who is flawless under any circumstance. If you believe you’re dating Mr. Perfect, you are either deceiving yourself or you are dangerously low in self-esteem.
  60. A homosexual orientation is not an automatic indication of taste, class or intelligence.
  61. Very good-looking men come with their own special set of problems and insecurities. Don’t assume he’s taken because he’s attractive. And don’t assume he’s a snob because he’s beautiful.
  62. If he turns you down for a date, it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with you. It could simply be he wasn’t interested.
  63. Save the words “I love…” for people and pets. Loving everything is a sign of severe neediness.
  64. If it’s over, it’s over. You can’t bargain your way out of being dumped. Although second chances sometimes work out for the best, third and fourth chances never do. Instead, try being alone for a while.
  65. Just because he’s fantastic in bed does not necessarily mean he’s in love with you.
  66. Stop assuming every guy you meet is a potential husband. This is a special brand of self-torture. Have your fantasies if you must, but let him be who he is, and give yourself a break. It’s not your fault if he isn’t Mr. Right.
  67. No, all of the good men aren’t taken. Where have you been looking?
  68. In a world full of guys, there are very few men. Learn to tell the difference and commit to being the better of the two.
  69. You can't really change anyone, and no one can really change you, but you can be deceived into believing both.

Words by Vincent Kovar

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